A Year and Change

There are a lot of things that being a Pagan in the modern world has taught me, from experiences within a community and apart from one. I've spent a lot of time on my own and in contemplation, asking myself questions about what my values are and how I would absorb what I've learned into my practice and my life. It's been a long time since I said anything at all.

First of all, if you have an opinion, you will find someone that opposes you.
If you are in a community, you will experience power struggles.
People will behave like the flawed individuals they are, no matter which setting they exist in.
There is nothing more terrifying than dealing with individuals who claim to have the backing and justification of their gods behind them...which never appear to conflict with their own interests.
You will also experience magic and community, and it can be rewarding to feed your soul and engage in projects to better the world around you; grassroots efforts to worldwide change.

But right now, I believe the Pagan community is sick with Ego. It is the same ego that haunts other faiths, same justification, same nonsense. I have experienced a phenomenon where people are more interested in touting their values and insisting that they are virtuous than actually living these values. Yes, they are broken. And in America right now, we are a broken people struggling for an identity that is only about to become more fraught with danger than we have known in a long time.

And everyone has the answers, of course. All I can think about is how often in history we will repeat all of this, over and over, watching the same things happen and wondering how we could possibly have allowed it; is there meaning to all of the suffering? Probably not, but we need it apparently because we can't live without it.

By and large, I have encountered a great deal of Pagans who are simply normal people who make mistakes. Most of them do not possess any malicious intent, but many are converts to Paganism with a suspicious nature and baggage to go along with it. Paganism appears to be a collection of people who constantly seek those with matching suitcases. I don't think there's anything wrong with that; everyone should be free to pursue their own happiness, because a fire that cannot breathe will burn out.

And if at all possible, the things that make us different should not prevent us from uniting when it matters with mutual respect. In a perfect world, anyway. Change is not a thing to be feared any more than any other thing, but we resist it. We look inward after every absence, wonder what it is we had done wrong and if it could be fixed. Amend bonds, but do not chase a fledgling leaving the nest. Do not discourage them or speak cruelly of them.

Despite the 7 years I have given an old community, I do not consider myself knowledgeable in a lot of aspects of that faith. In fact, it may be that I am not a fit for that particular structure. One of the most damaging things that occurred for me, upon leaving, was realizing how used up I felt and how powerless others had tried to render me. I've spent a year trying to get my head back together and ask if there is truly any value in community, and if I'm honest there are people I genuinely miss. I am more wary than ever of false prophets and group delusions, but I feel utterly alone and isolated. Jaded, really. Because my fire was one of the things I had, and I misunderstood it's use.

In a sense, I'm still searching for my matching suitcases and the energy necessary to be of use to those whom I know I jive well with. Too many people tried to hang special signs on me that I didn't want to wear and didn't feel qualified to, and the end result was being smeared by many unfairly by people I don't even know, or don't know me either, and it is what it is.

I don't envy the houses of other Pagans; the structures they've built for themselves. I hope that what use I have yet to offer will come to fruition soon, and perhaps someone will notice.

Or not. I don't care for fame; I've already earned some infamy at the hands of others. But I'm positively done with the hypocrisy I've seen and have better things to do, I think. Before I go, though, I want to write this to those who are desperate to hear it from someone.

• We may not agree, but we can value each other. Life does not exist in an echo chamber.
• You have time to figure out where your path goes. Questioning is important. 
• You're probably not crazy; chances are you might just be surrounded by assholes. 
• Do not feel ashamed for trying to improve yourself, no matter where you started from. 
• Your worth is not measured solely by the breadth of your intellect or which authors you read. 
• Challenge yourself and your beliefs, allowing yourself to change is ok. Things which change are growing. 
• Trust your instinct. Sometimes red flags are just cardinals, and sometimes they're warning you about a dumpster fire. 
• Someone will always try to be better than you. At least you aren't so insecure you feel that you need to belittle others. 
• There will always be someone older, younger, more experienced than you. Worry about you. 
• If someone tries to look down on you, remove the platform. If they're not paying rent in your head, they don't deserve to be in it and we all possess value even when we are wrong. 
• Learn to apologize and mean it. 
• I'm very, very sorry if I have failed you, or if you've had a terrible experience. 
• It's okay that other people do not understand you; many times we don't understand ourselves either. 
• Expression takes many forms. Spirituality takes many forms. Cruelty is evident.
• Your disability does not make you a bad human being, much less a bad pagan. 
• Anyone not willing to work with your disability is not someone you will be able to grow with, nor is the environment suitable for you. You will find somewhere else. 
• It's okay to take care of yourself, and it's okay to say no. 
• Pay attention to how people talk about others who are not there. 
• It's okay to be wrong. It's okay to recognize problematic behaviours in yourself and learn to change them. You are not a pariah. 
• If mental illness is treated as anything other than the physical, real illness it is in any community, beware the stigma. These will be the first people to rush to judgment. 
• Your mental illness does not make you less of a witch, but you will experience the limits of your boundaries just as anyone else. We are all limited beings; find your strength and don't let your desire become your weakness. 
• You don't need a label for yourself. Some people seek them, others will not need them. 
• You're not going to hell. Unless you travel to Michigan with the express purpose of finding the town. 
• Examine your goals and pursue them. Take as long as you need to. 
• There are "special snowflakes", but there are also "conformists". To any two different people, you may be both at the same time. Fuck what they think; do you. 
• You cannot please everyone. It's not your job. But if it IS your job, make sure you're working with the right people. 
• Keep going. Keep fighting. Even when you're tired. Even if the only person that knows is you, keep doing it. 

I hope you are all well.