Little Candles, or the Nerdiest Message of Hope I Can Summon For Sick People Like Me
As many of you know, I spent some more quality time in the hospital, or as I jokingly refer to it as "the klink" because jail isn't the sort of penitence I do for the crimes I commit. My style of crime is more like eating the wrong snack or accidentally walking into a cloud of dust and so wind up with some complicated many-systemed error that my body illustrates to me in screams and unsavory biological admonishments. I am chronically ill. Some would say terminally so, but I know that only the Powers that Be can make those judgments and so do they. It's all about your perception.
Every day that I'm in the klink, I know that I have now been stripped of my armor and am fighting with nothing but what the gods gave me to bite and claw my way back to good health and out of there. Imagine an average elf who just wandered into a nest of 9 trolls on her way out of the bath, with her low constitution and not particularly striking looks (not that using ANY looks on trolls would be effective) and realizing with slow horror that she's about to take one hell of a beating and may not survive. It's like that every time.Every time *could* be the last time if the game isn't played right.
How do you kill a troll? Blunt force trauma only slows them down. You need the big stuff; Sunlight. Since carrying around a sun is simply not a good idea and hardly able to fit in your pocket, you will only take a piece with you: in your mind, light a candle.
Troll #1: Admission. Because at this point there's nothing you can do but attempt to communicate to the poor triage folks the nearly 800 page tome that lies safely in your satchel that could conveniently outline every medical issue you've had until you were off to university, the general health of your family, and alleviate some of your need to speak aloud through the fog of an icy-but-blazing fever, until you realize the tome is useless and completely unrealistic. They ask again. You give simple answers and forget half of the important things you needed to say because you're fevered, and the name of your diseases are so long and changing. You feel a twinge of sympathy or ten for them because these people only ever see you at your worst for 10 or more hours.You repeat the same story 4 or 5 more times to entirely different people who in polite company would have no business knowing your business. The first troll is the initial damage; that which brought you there in the first place because Something Bad Happened. It's the hit that eradicates a fair chunk of the little floaty life bar above your head and leaves you limping. Defeating the urge to stay home and avoid the impending medical bill doom that awaits, knowing the questionable treatments and medications that might appear, and the suffering you will endure is STILL LESS than what you would face on your own is the only way to take this bad boy down.
In your mind, (because at that point, it's probably all you can use to record these things) Light a Candle.
Troll #2: Dignity. Being stripped of your personal belongings, all the trappings of home, leaving your world behind, and being slipped into the homogenized autonomy of a hospital gown is a singular experience. The garment is practical for medical uses, but also fiercely demoralizing. It is the step in which you go from being a human to a number. A statistic. Vital signs. Room numbers. You are, for all intents and purposes the current chosen vessel of your malady. Beneath your gown you are literally naked save for your skivvies. Always bring extra skivvies and kooshy socks, and your own small blanket if you can. (the hospital goer's equivalent of 50 feet of rope). Any more than that, and people get upset. Nevertheless, there you are, sweating and mostly naked, literally passing under a microscope, being invaded by people you don't know. In a way, that anonymity is comforting; they really don't care if you're wearing kitten undergarments. It breaks up the monotony for them, too. In truth, this is a struggle that exceeds the space of the hospital room and bleeds into our culture. Our bodies are battlegrounds. They are measured, quantified, compared, discussed, fully judged, and our own self image can become easily shattered. The most important thing to remember for those who have difficulties with this troll is this: nurses and doctors (for the most part) are doing ALL of this because they're trying to help you. They have a ton of experience with people who are bigger than you, uglier than you, more physically fit than you, and it doesn't matter. In this moment, the only thing they are seeking is how to fix your problem. Those medical "professionals" who cannot handle keeping snide remarks to themselves have no idea how to kill their trolls. I am a modest person who prefers to be covered up around other people in most settings, and I find that when I have challenged this troll my favorite method of coping is to instantly bring up ridiculous memories in my head. Behold, Doctor! You did not expect to find Lumiere and Cogsworth beneath my gown (and neither did I) but since you've released them, I shall now play scenes from Beauty and the Beast in my head til it's over. Until the Spanish Inquisition!
Find that calm place within you, and light another candle.
Troll #3: Unpleasant Procedures. There are always these little hidden parts of routine procedures people sometimes fail to tell you. Getting a CT scan? Got you to agree to it? Bet you they didn't say "oh, yes, you'll have to drink these two beverages of contrast within 40 minutes. By the way, this contrast solution tastes like you sucked it out of a dead bat that's been basting in the sewers of London for a fortnight, and we're going to try and mask it with a soda of your choice." So, Bat-Sewer-Death flavored Sprite. To be drank within 40 minutes. I'd like to know about these sorts of things beforehand. Things like, medicinal side effects. Unfortunately, the benefits of these procedures more often outweigh the possibility of dangerous side effects, but it's good to ask questions and be informed. As I often tell people I'm photographing, the sooner you cooperate, the quicker we'll be done...which by the way is true for every life situation. Drink the Bat Shit Drink. Become Deranged Batman. Get dye and radiation. Become Deranged Bat Spiderman. Or woman. While in the CT donut, listen to the directions they give you, and secretly plot out your super hero transformational sequence. Trust me, by the time you concoct a really good one, that procedure will be over. Remember to tell no one of your super hero identity.
Light a candle.
Troll #4: Pain: Perhaps one of the most obvious, but understated trolls of them all. People don't go to hospitals because they feel awesome; they go because their kneecap somehow got lodged under a collarbone. It hurts. Oh, Gods. It hurts a lot. This troll is easily one of the meanest, but also one of the most brutish of the adversaries. All it can do is hurt you physically. Only physically; he has a weakness in his one-sidedness. And oh the pain. It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts. You can't stop it, you try to take a breath and breathe through it and it hurts still. Every second passes to The Longest Minute to the Longest Hour until you are a simpering shell of a person. Nothing matters when pain like this has control; that's why you have GOT to do something. Tell your nurse. Demand painkillers. These days, there is ALWAYS someone on staff that can write up an order for SOMETHING to help relieve your pain. If you cannot rest, you cannot heal. Pain can consume you, or you can learn to transcend it. While you are waiting for relief, fix your mind upon something simple. A tree. A landscape. Drops of water falling one at a time. The sound of an eagle crying. The awareness that your body is a vibration, it is reacting because it must, and you can attempt to altar the signal. Breathe. Tone if you can. Squeeze something. Transfer your thoughts to anything but the pain. Sometimes after a certain point, the pain takes me somewhere I'd never been. A place made out of light and stars, in which voices speak aloud instructing the pains next move and how to prevent it. Sometimes it actually puts me to sleep. Acknowledge that your pain exists, but you will get through it. Visualize a fire burning at the end of a long passage way and focus there, one good breath at a time.
Light a candle.
Troll #5: Boredom: A slow, stupid troll. It's true that you are limited physically when you're in the hospital. At minimum, you have an IV in and have already gotten tired of having it there.
1:00pm.
The ceiling has 45 tiles. The TV has 98 channels. The sheets are cotton. The bathroom is a room that is not this one. Once you go in there, you must inevitably come back where you originally were. The bed is never quite right. Too high on one end, too low on another. You've made yourself into a human bed-taco 13 times (raising the head part and the foot/knees part as high as they could go with you in). You've tried to fix your hair one handed. The view from the window is the roof. You watch the clouds. Your back hurts. You've made three fire escape plans. You attempt to move objects with your mind. You've seen this episode of M*A*S*H three times. Check your clock.
1: 24pm.
UGH.
For the love of all that is precious, (here meaning: time), DO something productive. I don't care if you aren't a writer, write a story. Try and write the WORST story if you think you're a bad writer, or the BEST one if you think you have some gas in your writing tank. Ask for some printer paper if you didn't bring a notebook and write. Write how you feel. Write about a dream you had. Just commit something to paper while you pass the time healing. Make art. Send a buddy out into the world and bring you something truly stimulating to do. Being creative is the only way you're going to feel good about the time you spent being bored. Create something from nothing.
In your mind, light another candle. Put it with the other 4.
Troll #6: Fear You've imagined every bad scenario. The surgery could fail and you could die. You could lose a limb and you might die. You might close your eyes and never wake up. You might never be able to walk again and wish you could die. Noticing a theme? Fear of death is a natural human inclination. However, fear is also always a choice. Death is sometimes a choice, but ultimately the bill comes due. If you choose to remember those five little candles and see them glowing in your mind, use them to light up the darkness there. For far too long, western civilization has stigmatized the powerful process of dying. It is the completion of a cycle and the beginning of the next one. In it, there is only the natural return to the earth. The manner by which we leave can be peaceful or horrible or violent, but it is still a transition we must respect. A sacred process, creation and destruction.The stripping away of all that was, dedicating them to memory, and releasing a spirit to become stronger than ever.
Still, in this moment in your hospital room, you are vulnerable and human. And the desire to heal and to live can outweigh the strongest of adversaries and beat odds that were stacked against you. Always have a plan; the responsible folks always do. A will. Advanced directives. Do them before you go to sleep so that the ones that will miss you horribly can hear you from beyond. Your foresight and deeds are those keys to immortality; loss of a body isn't important. Yet, in this moment, you are alive still; use that life and respect it. Do not waste a single moment. Release your fears and mold the shapes of their words into a candle in your mind.
In your mind, light that candle. This time, light it from a place of love and honor for yourself. It's ok.
Troll #7: Emotional Distress Depression, anxiety over test results, longing to leave...it's all so unfair. The birds outside seem so happy. The grass is always greener out the window. A cage has a strange effect on a person. This troll isn't just the one level of physical pain; it's all over and inside. (Jerk.) Try finding things to do; creation is always the way to deal with the feeling of being wound down. Now is actually quite a good time to try some personal meditation to journey elsewhere, even if you are physically bound. Now is also an excellent time to ask if there are counseling services available, because more often than not, there's someone you can talk to. Many times pastoral counselors are available, or even psychologists that may be available. If you have thoughts of harming yourself and they begin to seem more and more appealing, do yourself a favor and talk to someone. A lot of hospitals are cool with folks surfing teh internetz from the hospital room, so you should be guaranteed to find some way to break up these feelings. All you have to do is ask; that's the power of your voice even if you feel it's as small as all these candles you're lighting.
Light another one. There's actually quite a lot of them, now.
Troll #8: Solitude When you think you're alone, you're not. It's true. You may have the most obscure medical condition on earth but I guarantee you someone out there is suffering as much as you are, or more or less. There are so many broken hearts in this world they cannot be counted. The number is always changing. If you are blessed with friends who can do little more than say they'll "pray for you", and you believe praying does squat, turn them into mental candles. Each of those people can only do so much to help you, but sure as anything you aren't ALONE. The trick is realizing it. For example...Somewhere out there, someone is lighting a candle in a cathedral for the poor and the sick. That's you. You are now in the uniquely powerful position to change that and break your own spell. Take this time of solitude, and understand it's importance. You are in a position now to evaluate who you are, for better or for worse, but out there somewhere is SOMEONE who is thinking about you that doesn't even know your name. Break the spell, and join them. In your mind, light candles for them also, and stand in the light you and everyone have created in the darkness. The more fire that is light, the more illuminated things become, until it seems nearly sunlight. Sunlight kills trolls, remember? Pew pew!
Light as many candles as you want. You have to learn your full power and potential. Light them for the other folks out there who are feeling alone. Break the cycle.
Troll #9: Medical Bills They're almost as certain as death and taxes, but there are things you can do. Even if the only option you appear to have (*waves hand*) is to pay them off a chunk at a time for all eternity. Fine. The people that saved you have to live their lives too so you can live yours. It works out like that. And yes I know the medical system in the USA being somewhat of an Abomination is an absolute truth. Still, they can't take your life...just try to make it miserable. Make small payments. Seek financial aid. TALK to people. Ask what your options are. Don't hide from the troll.
I mean you have all this fire; it seems stupid to run away, right? So long as you live, things can change and they definitely will. Trust in change, but don't let fear of cost get in the way of much needed medical care. The alternative is far more costly and can't be measured in coin.
Mental candles are free. Light em.
Level cleared.
At any rate, this little elf girl got clear of the trolls again and is doing her best to recover, but is extremely filled with gratitude at the fact that she still has options and escaped with her life. Again. It will not always end this way, of course. One day a troll will get her, but not today. (Ever notice how people light birthday candles for each year alive, and light others to leave on gravestones? It's important.)
If I can do it, so can you. And my stats are probably a lot lower than yours.
And my spirit is filled with tiny fires from different sources...friends...relatives...people I've never met. Their light reaches across borders, faiths, languages, even time. It's so fucking beautiful.
Img src: Wikipedia CC
Every day that I'm in the klink, I know that I have now been stripped of my armor and am fighting with nothing but what the gods gave me to bite and claw my way back to good health and out of there. Imagine an average elf who just wandered into a nest of 9 trolls on her way out of the bath, with her low constitution and not particularly striking looks (not that using ANY looks on trolls would be effective) and realizing with slow horror that she's about to take one hell of a beating and may not survive. It's like that every time.Every time *could* be the last time if the game isn't played right.
How do you kill a troll? Blunt force trauma only slows them down. You need the big stuff; Sunlight. Since carrying around a sun is simply not a good idea and hardly able to fit in your pocket, you will only take a piece with you: in your mind, light a candle.
Troll #1: Admission. Because at this point there's nothing you can do but attempt to communicate to the poor triage folks the nearly 800 page tome that lies safely in your satchel that could conveniently outline every medical issue you've had until you were off to university, the general health of your family, and alleviate some of your need to speak aloud through the fog of an icy-but-blazing fever, until you realize the tome is useless and completely unrealistic. They ask again. You give simple answers and forget half of the important things you needed to say because you're fevered, and the name of your diseases are so long and changing. You feel a twinge of sympathy or ten for them because these people only ever see you at your worst for 10 or more hours.You repeat the same story 4 or 5 more times to entirely different people who in polite company would have no business knowing your business. The first troll is the initial damage; that which brought you there in the first place because Something Bad Happened. It's the hit that eradicates a fair chunk of the little floaty life bar above your head and leaves you limping. Defeating the urge to stay home and avoid the impending medical bill doom that awaits, knowing the questionable treatments and medications that might appear, and the suffering you will endure is STILL LESS than what you would face on your own is the only way to take this bad boy down.
In your mind, (because at that point, it's probably all you can use to record these things) Light a Candle.
Troll #2: Dignity. Being stripped of your personal belongings, all the trappings of home, leaving your world behind, and being slipped into the homogenized autonomy of a hospital gown is a singular experience. The garment is practical for medical uses, but also fiercely demoralizing. It is the step in which you go from being a human to a number. A statistic. Vital signs. Room numbers. You are, for all intents and purposes the current chosen vessel of your malady. Beneath your gown you are literally naked save for your skivvies. Always bring extra skivvies and kooshy socks, and your own small blanket if you can. (the hospital goer's equivalent of 50 feet of rope). Any more than that, and people get upset. Nevertheless, there you are, sweating and mostly naked, literally passing under a microscope, being invaded by people you don't know. In a way, that anonymity is comforting; they really don't care if you're wearing kitten undergarments. It breaks up the monotony for them, too. In truth, this is a struggle that exceeds the space of the hospital room and bleeds into our culture. Our bodies are battlegrounds. They are measured, quantified, compared, discussed, fully judged, and our own self image can become easily shattered. The most important thing to remember for those who have difficulties with this troll is this: nurses and doctors (for the most part) are doing ALL of this because they're trying to help you. They have a ton of experience with people who are bigger than you, uglier than you, more physically fit than you, and it doesn't matter. In this moment, the only thing they are seeking is how to fix your problem. Those medical "professionals" who cannot handle keeping snide remarks to themselves have no idea how to kill their trolls. I am a modest person who prefers to be covered up around other people in most settings, and I find that when I have challenged this troll my favorite method of coping is to instantly bring up ridiculous memories in my head. Behold, Doctor! You did not expect to find Lumiere and Cogsworth beneath my gown (and neither did I) but since you've released them, I shall now play scenes from Beauty and the Beast in my head til it's over. Until the Spanish Inquisition!
Find that calm place within you, and light another candle.
Troll #3: Unpleasant Procedures. There are always these little hidden parts of routine procedures people sometimes fail to tell you. Getting a CT scan? Got you to agree to it? Bet you they didn't say "oh, yes, you'll have to drink these two beverages of contrast within 40 minutes. By the way, this contrast solution tastes like you sucked it out of a dead bat that's been basting in the sewers of London for a fortnight, and we're going to try and mask it with a soda of your choice." So, Bat-Sewer-Death flavored Sprite. To be drank within 40 minutes. I'd like to know about these sorts of things beforehand. Things like, medicinal side effects. Unfortunately, the benefits of these procedures more often outweigh the possibility of dangerous side effects, but it's good to ask questions and be informed. As I often tell people I'm photographing, the sooner you cooperate, the quicker we'll be done...which by the way is true for every life situation. Drink the Bat Shit Drink. Become Deranged Batman. Get dye and radiation. Become Deranged Bat Spiderman. Or woman. While in the CT donut, listen to the directions they give you, and secretly plot out your super hero transformational sequence. Trust me, by the time you concoct a really good one, that procedure will be over. Remember to tell no one of your super hero identity.
Light a candle.
Troll #4: Pain: Perhaps one of the most obvious, but understated trolls of them all. People don't go to hospitals because they feel awesome; they go because their kneecap somehow got lodged under a collarbone. It hurts. Oh, Gods. It hurts a lot. This troll is easily one of the meanest, but also one of the most brutish of the adversaries. All it can do is hurt you physically. Only physically; he has a weakness in his one-sidedness. And oh the pain. It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts. You can't stop it, you try to take a breath and breathe through it and it hurts still. Every second passes to The Longest Minute to the Longest Hour until you are a simpering shell of a person. Nothing matters when pain like this has control; that's why you have GOT to do something. Tell your nurse. Demand painkillers. These days, there is ALWAYS someone on staff that can write up an order for SOMETHING to help relieve your pain. If you cannot rest, you cannot heal. Pain can consume you, or you can learn to transcend it. While you are waiting for relief, fix your mind upon something simple. A tree. A landscape. Drops of water falling one at a time. The sound of an eagle crying. The awareness that your body is a vibration, it is reacting because it must, and you can attempt to altar the signal. Breathe. Tone if you can. Squeeze something. Transfer your thoughts to anything but the pain. Sometimes after a certain point, the pain takes me somewhere I'd never been. A place made out of light and stars, in which voices speak aloud instructing the pains next move and how to prevent it. Sometimes it actually puts me to sleep. Acknowledge that your pain exists, but you will get through it. Visualize a fire burning at the end of a long passage way and focus there, one good breath at a time.
Light a candle.
Troll #5: Boredom: A slow, stupid troll. It's true that you are limited physically when you're in the hospital. At minimum, you have an IV in and have already gotten tired of having it there.
1:00pm.
The ceiling has 45 tiles. The TV has 98 channels. The sheets are cotton. The bathroom is a room that is not this one. Once you go in there, you must inevitably come back where you originally were. The bed is never quite right. Too high on one end, too low on another. You've made yourself into a human bed-taco 13 times (raising the head part and the foot/knees part as high as they could go with you in). You've tried to fix your hair one handed. The view from the window is the roof. You watch the clouds. Your back hurts. You've made three fire escape plans. You attempt to move objects with your mind. You've seen this episode of M*A*S*H three times. Check your clock.
1: 24pm.
UGH.
For the love of all that is precious, (here meaning: time), DO something productive. I don't care if you aren't a writer, write a story. Try and write the WORST story if you think you're a bad writer, or the BEST one if you think you have some gas in your writing tank. Ask for some printer paper if you didn't bring a notebook and write. Write how you feel. Write about a dream you had. Just commit something to paper while you pass the time healing. Make art. Send a buddy out into the world and bring you something truly stimulating to do. Being creative is the only way you're going to feel good about the time you spent being bored. Create something from nothing.
In your mind, light another candle. Put it with the other 4.
Troll #6: Fear You've imagined every bad scenario. The surgery could fail and you could die. You could lose a limb and you might die. You might close your eyes and never wake up. You might never be able to walk again and wish you could die. Noticing a theme? Fear of death is a natural human inclination. However, fear is also always a choice. Death is sometimes a choice, but ultimately the bill comes due. If you choose to remember those five little candles and see them glowing in your mind, use them to light up the darkness there. For far too long, western civilization has stigmatized the powerful process of dying. It is the completion of a cycle and the beginning of the next one. In it, there is only the natural return to the earth. The manner by which we leave can be peaceful or horrible or violent, but it is still a transition we must respect. A sacred process, creation and destruction.The stripping away of all that was, dedicating them to memory, and releasing a spirit to become stronger than ever.
Still, in this moment in your hospital room, you are vulnerable and human. And the desire to heal and to live can outweigh the strongest of adversaries and beat odds that were stacked against you. Always have a plan; the responsible folks always do. A will. Advanced directives. Do them before you go to sleep so that the ones that will miss you horribly can hear you from beyond. Your foresight and deeds are those keys to immortality; loss of a body isn't important. Yet, in this moment, you are alive still; use that life and respect it. Do not waste a single moment. Release your fears and mold the shapes of their words into a candle in your mind.
In your mind, light that candle. This time, light it from a place of love and honor for yourself. It's ok.
Troll #7: Emotional Distress Depression, anxiety over test results, longing to leave...it's all so unfair. The birds outside seem so happy. The grass is always greener out the window. A cage has a strange effect on a person. This troll isn't just the one level of physical pain; it's all over and inside. (Jerk.) Try finding things to do; creation is always the way to deal with the feeling of being wound down. Now is actually quite a good time to try some personal meditation to journey elsewhere, even if you are physically bound. Now is also an excellent time to ask if there are counseling services available, because more often than not, there's someone you can talk to. Many times pastoral counselors are available, or even psychologists that may be available. If you have thoughts of harming yourself and they begin to seem more and more appealing, do yourself a favor and talk to someone. A lot of hospitals are cool with folks surfing teh internetz from the hospital room, so you should be guaranteed to find some way to break up these feelings. All you have to do is ask; that's the power of your voice even if you feel it's as small as all these candles you're lighting.
Light another one. There's actually quite a lot of them, now.
Troll #8: Solitude When you think you're alone, you're not. It's true. You may have the most obscure medical condition on earth but I guarantee you someone out there is suffering as much as you are, or more or less. There are so many broken hearts in this world they cannot be counted. The number is always changing. If you are blessed with friends who can do little more than say they'll "pray for you", and you believe praying does squat, turn them into mental candles. Each of those people can only do so much to help you, but sure as anything you aren't ALONE. The trick is realizing it. For example...Somewhere out there, someone is lighting a candle in a cathedral for the poor and the sick. That's you. You are now in the uniquely powerful position to change that and break your own spell. Take this time of solitude, and understand it's importance. You are in a position now to evaluate who you are, for better or for worse, but out there somewhere is SOMEONE who is thinking about you that doesn't even know your name. Break the spell, and join them. In your mind, light candles for them also, and stand in the light you and everyone have created in the darkness. The more fire that is light, the more illuminated things become, until it seems nearly sunlight. Sunlight kills trolls, remember? Pew pew!
Light as many candles as you want. You have to learn your full power and potential. Light them for the other folks out there who are feeling alone. Break the cycle.
Troll #9: Medical Bills They're almost as certain as death and taxes, but there are things you can do. Even if the only option you appear to have (*waves hand*) is to pay them off a chunk at a time for all eternity. Fine. The people that saved you have to live their lives too so you can live yours. It works out like that. And yes I know the medical system in the USA being somewhat of an Abomination is an absolute truth. Still, they can't take your life...just try to make it miserable. Make small payments. Seek financial aid. TALK to people. Ask what your options are. Don't hide from the troll.
I mean you have all this fire; it seems stupid to run away, right? So long as you live, things can change and they definitely will. Trust in change, but don't let fear of cost get in the way of much needed medical care. The alternative is far more costly and can't be measured in coin.
Mental candles are free. Light em.
Level cleared.
At any rate, this little elf girl got clear of the trolls again and is doing her best to recover, but is extremely filled with gratitude at the fact that she still has options and escaped with her life. Again. It will not always end this way, of course. One day a troll will get her, but not today. (Ever notice how people light birthday candles for each year alive, and light others to leave on gravestones? It's important.)
If I can do it, so can you. And my stats are probably a lot lower than yours.
And my spirit is filled with tiny fires from different sources...friends...relatives...people I've never met. Their light reaches across borders, faiths, languages, even time. It's so fucking beautiful.
Img src: Wikipedia CC
My troll is usually: loss of mental faculties. The knowledge that I am not what I was, and the inability to even properly express this loss while I'm experiencing it. I become a reader who cannot read anything more complicated than a children's book, a writer who cannot put words on a page, a sorcerer who cannot reach her source. The worst part is, I can still complete the stupid brain games that neurologists use to test whether or not you've lost mental faculties, so they don't believe me, or they downplay it as a minor loss of focus.
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